Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)