I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky