The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The cashier just checked me out.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.