You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.