I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
sistine chapel
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.