You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her