No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
PLOT TWIST:
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts