Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Dance like you’re not the father
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”