Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
😅🤣😂
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.