pls suprot
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.