[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck