Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You Might Also Like
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
mentally somewhere in italy
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute