Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.