We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I have so many questions.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!