My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
You Might Also Like
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat