*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.