“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
where the womens at?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.