Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread