Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You Might Also Like
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.