[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”