I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?