I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%