Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
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As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
This a good idea
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
How it started How it’s going
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.