Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.