My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.