Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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LOOOOOOL
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar