[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.