I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.