I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
What is going on? 😅
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me