Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
You Might Also Like
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: