[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
You Might Also Like
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
no!! no!!!!!!
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album