Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me