I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*offers Batman cough drops*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Most fashion shows these days…
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great