Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My wife gives the best headache.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today