robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
uncle dave has been through hell
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Huge, if true.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.