Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
BRO LMFAO
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw