Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.