My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m good, thanks.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.