So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
why isn’t he texting back
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.