Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Hit me in the face with a bird
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I am also baked goods
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.