Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You Might Also Like
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You sure about that?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*