replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Florida be like…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!