[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You Might Also Like
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.