There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
yeet
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
the greatest twitter interaction
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too