Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport