HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
You Might Also Like
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.