Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”