*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”