Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.