Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them